NOT My Thoughts, NO way, NO how!

Y'all know how this thing rolls by now.... so let's just jump right in...

This week I will be dwelling NOT on the things I actually said, but on the things that I thought... as we all know I'm avoiding the "weight" commentary at this point in my pregnancy...the following are a list of thoughts I would NEVER have in my head after hearing the comment or seeing the face of the person's original statement.... because it would be insensitive to have such thoughts...

From the lady who sees me at least 3 times a week at work.... "My, My...you sure are blossoming!"

Every day she sees me she tells me this.... I do NOT think to myself "why thank you, I needed to know that I look even bigger a mere 24 hours since you've seen me last... and while we are at it... at what point does blossoming involve a belly which causes one's profile to resemble the letter S...last time I checked, blossoming involves flowers becoming all pretty and colorful and bright... not a person's pregnancy weight gain. And if you continue to say this to me I may begin to roll my eyes in your face, even though its unprofessional and rude." I NEVER would think such!

From another co-worker .... "Girl, every weekend you come back and you just look like you are farther out there."

"Why thank you, I wanted to know that despite the fact that I ate normal portions for a normal person all weekend and chased my toddler around that this outfit makes me look large, because that's what I aim for every morning, to find the outfit that makes me look even bigger than I actually am.... you know, because that really helps my self-esteem." NEVER would such words cross my mind!

To the look of shock from someone who finds out I have until June to make it...

"Oh thank you for that look... I was unaware of the fact that it looks like I have one of those weight-loss toning balls that a grown-person sits on under my shirt... actually, I'm not pregnant at all...this is just a new look for me... you know, everyone wants to make a statement these days... and yes, I am well-aware that June is still 2 months away... and no, I don't think I'll be having this baby early despite the fact that you obviously judge me as ready to deliver at any second... you know what, on second thought, I might be going into labor right now...what's that? you don't know nothing about birthin' no babies (name that movie!).. to bad, you forced me into labor shock" NO, NO, NEVER would I think of faking labor just to shock them further, that would NOT be a considerate thing to do.

To the ladies holding this conversation: "You see how she came around that corner....walking wide...why do we do that when we're pregnant? Walk with our feet spread so?"

"Oh, I don't know...maybe the fact that I have a small person practicing karate on my ribcage at this very minute who up until I was walking was playing the piano on my bladder with her elbow...and it certaintly wouldn't be because I'm carrying 1/3 of my total body weight in the span between my shoulders and hips....and it certainly wouldn't be because I'm almost 8 months pregnant and I CAN!"

So, let's set this record straight... I did NOT have any of those thoughts. NOPE, NOPE, NOPE.

Not Me! Food and Other Thoughts

evidently, MckMama appreciates my non-birthday party excitement stealing, even though I seriously doubt she checked my blog to make sure I wasn't ahead of the game, anyway,  its now officially time for....

  

Last Monday, I did NOT eat every.single.one of the rice krispie treats that were sent home from Easter with me in less than 10 minutes at work. I also did NOT take them to work for the sole purpose of not having to share them with the two other mouths in my house, that would just be selfish on my part.

On Tuesday, I did NOT finish the quarter of a poundcake that was sent home from Easter with me, which consisted of enough slices to last me a week at a slice a day.

We did NOT watch a different Netflix movie Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday nights because we hate commercials just that much. (And for the record, the instant download works pretty well for South Georgia internet.)

Thursday, I did NOT eat enough mashed potatoes and cubed steak for 3 grown people in one sitting.. that would just be wrong.

Friday morning, I did NOT get a text message from Mischa (with whom Hayley had spent the night) saying that she thinks I drink too much Sunkist... upon asking why I did NOT find out that when Tony sat his Sunkist on the table Hayley pointed at it and said "Mama?" because I would NOT constantly refer to it as "mama's drink" when she's getting her milk and I'm indulging in caffienated bliss. *oh wait, I already confessed to this once... oh well, keep reading*
Friday afternoon, I did NOT witness Hayley telling the boys "nope" when they asked her to do something that she didn't want to do. I also did NOT have to start correcting her to where she now says "nope sir" and "nope ma'am" to adults. I also did NOT witness her turn into little miss nice-nasty while playing in the sand which consisted of her moving the sand around for a few minutes, standing up brushing her hands off, and then repeating.

On Saturday, I did NOT hear her say "help me" 500 billion times because its her new phrase and she uses it just as much to say that she is helping you as she does when wanting you to help her. I also did NOT take advantage of the fact that she was enjoying some one-on-one time with Grandmama and Granddaddy during most of the day resulting in me taking 3 separate naps... despite this fact I did NOT also go to bed at 9:30 Saturday night.. there is NO reason for one person to need that much sleep in less than 24 hours.

On Sunday, I did NOT crawl into the bed, completely bypassing the couch, 30 seconds after putting Hayley down for her nap only to be woken up by Michael 3 1/2 hours later. I would NOT sleep that hard, that long, just because I could.

Also.. for the record.. I was NOT, just now, in the first five to link up MckMama because I certainly did NOT check her blog every 5 minutes since I got up this morning to see if it was time yet! And just now, I did NOT get a little sad that MckMama wasn't sharing with us this week...there is NO way I'd have that much attachment to another blogger, despite her good reason for not-Not Me'ing today!

So I have a Not Me! post in the works... but I feel like I can't post it until McMama kicks it off officially on her blog... it would be like trying to throw a birthday party at the same time on the same day with the same kids and the same theme...and that would just be wrong.


In other news, I've had to tie my shoes 4 separate times today because I have yet to find the proper angle of leg propping/stomach dodging to succeed with a tight tie.

And in a photo op... this is Hayley helping Daddy hang the pictures in the hallway... more acurately, this is Hayley wanting to be on the ladder at the same time as Daddy wants to come down the ladder.

Not Me, Not Her!

Head over to MckMama's to read more

about what us mothers didn't do this week...

its a Not Me Monday party!

I did NOT attempt to involve Hayley in coloring Easter eggs inside...that would be insanity... by NOT doing so I did NOT witness her throw an egg into a cup of green dye, splattering the entire table (and her daddy) and cracking the egg. I then did NOT delegate her to some white paper and crayons to write on her own while her daddy dipped all the eggs in the colors of her choice.

I also did NOT expose her to 4 different Easter egg hunts in less than a week.... and I NEVER would have allowed her to bring home twice as many eggs as she took from each hunting meaning there are now 500,487,657 eggs in various assembly strewn from one end of the house to the next...and I definitely did NOT start sneaking those eggs back into the "Easter" box to be put into storage as early as Sunday afternoon.

I also did NOT showcase her new trick of "hopping" like a bunny which is insanely hilarious...she gives it total concentration and uses her whole body to clear a whole 1/4 inch off the ground... and I did NOT continue to encourage her to hop as much as possible for my own enjoyment.

She did NOT this morning, hold up one finger and say "min" when I said we were going to Sha Sha's... which translated into her response of 'in a minute'... she would NOT have learned this from any of us.

I also did NOT witness her hugging her daddy and saying "pat pat pat" while patting his arm...because she would NOT have gotten that patting and hugging are co-dependent actions according to her Breezy.

You just can't prove it...

This is a blog trend from MckMama... visit her site and read others fess up their "Not Me's" HERE!

Last night I did NOT pass out asleep on half of the couch at 8:15, a mere 5 minutes after Hayley was put to bed... I also did NOT sleep until 7 a.m. this morning because I was still tired.. I would NEVER need 11 hours of consecutive sleep in one night.

On Saturday night, I did NOT witness, and hear, my daughter sucking ketchup off a french fry in a restaurant...and she did NOT ask for another french fry, dip & suck, then try to return the french fry to my plate... I did NOT almost throw up from the whole experience because my mommy-senses are intolerable to such behavior.

I also did NOT see her wet in the kitchen floor when her daddy let her go before there was a diaper on her bottom... he would NEVER do that after I purposely asked him to be SURE I had her before he let her go.

I also did NOT go all weekend without taking a single picture of her doing these funny things... oh wait, yes I did.

Rugs of Disdain, part 3

This week I did NOT continue my epic battle with the bathroom rugs... I did  NOT come home to find my husband had intervened and moved the rugs under the carport. And I did NOT walk past the completed dry rugs 2 days in a row without bringing them inside. I certainly did NOT witness my Mom take pity on said rugs and bring them into my house on Saturday night after dark... to where I did NOT immediately agree that 2 of the 3 rugs should have already been thrown away because 1, they were both faded from their time in the outside world, 2. one of them did not come clean in the wash because it had a more hands-on (or would that be rug-on) adventure with the outside world. I also did NOT admit to myself in my head at that moment that I already knew the rugs needed throwing away and should have just stepped up and done it but didn't because I might have a slight tendency to think I can save anything. I also did NOT devote 3 separate blog entries to these rugs...because that just would be uncalled for.

This afternoon I am taking my daughter to her 18-month checkup... I do NOT need reminding that she is 19-months old this month... as I did NOT forget to schedule her 18-month checkup only to call in on her 18-month birthday to schedule her check-up... I also was NOT one of those moms who also has a desired appointment time which would make it NOT possible for my daughter to get into see the doc until a whole month after she was supposed to... and I did NOT tell the receptionist that I had NO preference on physician and then whine to myself when she stuck me with the doctor that I do NOT really prefer.. but I did NOT rearrange her appointment... no really, I didn't, I figured I'd complicated that enough.

I also have NOT told my daughter the past 3 times she's asked that tomorrow would be the day she gets to sleep in her new bed. I did NOT tell her this again last night with the same answer of "Mommy has to get some sheets for it." That would be cruel to have a new bed and NOT let her sleep in it immediately.

Whew.. confession is good for the soul.
To check on MckMama and others with Not Me! stories check out www.mycharmingkids.net because she started this party!

Disdain, part 2

As a follow up to my Rug Confessions from Monday, I'd like to express that Michael has evidently taken pity on my rugs... either that, or he didn't want them tarnishing his boat which I was using as a drying board... either way, the rugs have returned to underneath the carport... they are probably dry by now... I should remember to check on that... and if you come over, why don't you check on it just in case I didn't?

Not me, Not me, Not me!

Yesterday I did NOT finally wash the bathroom rugs that have been underneath our carport for more than 3 months... I would NEVER leave the rugs out that long if I had intentions on returning them to the house.. I just would NOT!

I also would NOT have forgotten about the rugs until 11 p.m. when I was pouring out the last of my decaf sweet tea in the sink and see them "drying" on the boat in the backyard... then I would NOT have looked at the rugs, looked down at my pajamas and decided to get them in the morning.

I did NOT wake up this morning to find out it had been raining for a good portion of the night meaning that my rugs were once again soaked. I did NOT contemplate just throwing the rugs away, since any logical person would have already made that decision based on the fact the rugs have been outside unattended for such a length of time. I also did NOT look at the rugs in distain and mumble the same words that started the rug ordeal 3 months ago... "I guess I'll just wait for them to dry."

I also did NOT further that thought process by thinking about throwing the rugs in the dryer when I get home from work today.... to which I definitely did NOT plan an answer of "I didn't know you couldn't dry them" if they get torn up from the process... because that would NOT be the wifey/spousey way to do things...

I also do NOT have an attachment to two of the rugs that were picked out by Michael despite the fact that I have mistreated them so over the past few months...

*I also did NOT just lose the closer to this post and have to pick right back up right here. NOT ME!*

**and I did NOT just have it happen again!**

I also did NOT just share this story which is evident of my lack of housekeeping skills with the blog world which now has a less than stellar ending because I can NOT get my computer to act right!

To see where the NOT ME! inspiration comes from, clicky your way over to MckMama's site.. its one of my favorite... to see what other wonderful, thoughtful blogging family members like me didn't do this week.

Not Me! Monday

 

OK, so we all know I have my blogging network of addictions... which includes Mckmama whose blog details her adorable Micky D nicknamed children. She also spends at least one of her Monday posts telling her NOT ME! stories... so in the spirit of my addiction, I'm doing my first Not Me! Monday!
 
I did NOT spend the better part of both Saturday and Sunday in my pajamas in the same spot on the couch. NOT ME! You can't prove it!
 
I also did NOT let my daughter have 2 consecutive days of wearing her pajamas all day. And I definitely DID NOT allow her to wear her white dressy bloomers over the top of her pajama pants for more than half of Saturday. NOT ME!
 
I also did NOT allow the extent of my laziness to make me put on real clothes and do a super fast house cleanup on Sunday night when I only had 20 minutes before some friends dropped in. NOT ME!
 
I also was NOT sore in my thighs and calves from wearing heels for 2 hours to a wedding. NOT ME! I'm not that out of shape!
 
I also did NOT have potato chips for lunch yesterday. Never would I do such!
 
I also did NOT teach my daughter to tell her daddy "Shhh... hush that fuss!" (even though it doesn't come out that clear when she does it) when he's trying to sing. That would be cruel...it wasNOT me!
 
Taking that all into accounts, I did NOT get up at the time I am normally leaving the house to get to work. NOT ME, no way, no how.
 
It is only Monday after all!

**addition**
I did NOT get home first from work to discover my keys locked inside the house. At which time I did NOT get the spare key to the front door and trapse around. I did NOT forget that there was a towel tucked against the door to keep out a draft and I did NOT almost break my shoulder and engagement ring trying to muscle my way in. I did NOT shimmy through a spot that barely allowed for the baby bump only to find I had sat my basket to where the backdoor would NOT open without knocking it over. I did NOT find myself on my hands and knees with one arm snaking around the door to move the basket to open the back door. NOT Me! NOT Me! NOT Me!