And then it was Christmas

Ye old blog hasn't seen a lot of action this year.

I've started and stopped on a few posts, check my reader daily for other blogs I enjoy, but this white page just seemed daunting and the words seem few, far between and rather insignificant.

I'm still feeling a little stuck so let's hit some highlights and call it a year.

May 2015 - we took a very, very quick trip down to Belize and met some new friends/missionaries who serve there and whose church is entertaining the idea of hosting foreign mission teams in the future. The missionaries also serve as National Coordinators for Operation Christmas Child in Belize. #itsasmallworld #loveOCC

June 2015 - Bowen is 5! We celebrate with shark party, inflatable water slide and party at Breezy's.

August 2015 - Hayley turns 7. We celebrate with a "candy shop" swim party at Mischa's house - Mischa has some weird gastro-thing going on and is in the hospital for the days leading up to, through and after the party.

July/August - Hayley starts 2nd grade - we are homeschooling. (didn't I write a little about that?). Bowen starts Kindergarten - has the same teacher that Hayley and all 3 of the Williams boys had in K.

October - Bluffton Bicentennial month - our town turned 200! We served as organizers for the event, coordinating all the different aspects and people in charge of them.

November - OCC month - our church gathered and packed over 135 boxes - dropped off a total of 185 at OCC Processing Center.

December - received invitation to return to Belize to be part of January OCC distribution week. Decide to go. Invite Breezy for her first international trip. She's in.

Locally, this month has been one of what seems to be inordinately large amounts of death to families - both expected and unexpected. The weather has been crazy weird so it doesn't even feel like it should be Christmas time.

Over and over again God opens my eyes to appreciate our busy, but pretty non-eventful in negative way, life. We have had a year of good health, wonderful opportunities and seen church growth and excitement at BBC. We are making new friends in our community - the girls are both excelling and enjoying school, there are so many things that are just ordinary about our life - and that makes it extra-ordinary. For that, I am grateful.

For this, I am grateful

So, we are 3 days into homeschooling.

And the fact that it hasn't been traumatic for either of us... for this, I am grateful.

Curriculum that has easy, simple, less than 5 pages of instructional guides for lessons... for this, I am grateful.

Gonoodle.com, for this, I am grateful. It gives my energetic and silly girl a time and way to express all that is within her.

Crayola, for this, I am always grateful.

For the grace that carries me thus far, that has met my fears, all my inadequacies and all the places that within me screams, this is SO FAR from who I thought I was/am/would be, I am grateful.

....

We've had a great 3 days so far. We are still learning what works. We are still SO FRESH at this, that I am not counting chickens or eggs or even assuming we have a basket.

But we are succeeding, for this I am grateful.


........
For this school year, I chose a variety of curriculum - all the homeschool experts who claim internet space advise this is not the best approach, but who am I to listen to people who have done this forever? I chose widely so that we could match our lessons closely to the 2nd grade Georgia Standards, so that if this doesn't end up working for us, that if Hayley were required to "test in" upon return to public school, she would be closely aligned with material that her grade-level classmates are experiencing.

What We're Using:
Sonlight for Science, 2nd Grade
MathUSee Beta
Sonlight for Language Arts, Phonics, Vocabulary, Spelling, Grammar (I did this differently than the "Core" package because I wanted to align with state standards, so we went a la carte with LA books)
Gallapode for Social Studies - GA standards for 2nd grade are extremely focused on GA history, land forms, historical leaders, etc and this came recommended from a public school teacher friend.
Abeka Handwriting - this we are using as supplemental activity, I bought the numbers, manuscript and cursive student tablets.
Lots of Pinterest Searching for DIY arts, drawing for kids, etc.
GoNoodle

First Day of School! First Day of School!

If you didn't read that in the voice of Nemo (or Marlin if you prefer) from Finding Nemo - I'm going to need you to go back and read again.

What's that you say? That's not a picture of your darling children in their First Day of School outfits with their little dated signs and fresh out of the plastic bookbags and lunchboxes?

Nope.

That is the picture of my newest Thirty-One product...holding... my instruction guides and standards... for homeschool.

That's right.

I just survived my first day of (home)school with Hayley!

And I think we might just like it.

Because one whole day makes me an expert and all.

NOT

#notdelusion #dayoneisalwaysbest

The Summer of 30

Well, nothing like a looming "First Day of School" tomorrow to get me rambling and reflecting.

First things first, I've decided that turning 30 - something I was NOT thrilled about most of my end-of-28-I'm-29-years - is some kind of invisible life cycle change that has no definite kick or symptoms or outcomes... other than all of a sudden, things are DIFFERENT.

During this summer of 30, I bit a 10 year old bullet and did this:

Yup - that's me with braces.. and rubber bands ... and YES THERE IS A REASON THAT KIDS HAVE THEM. Y'all, those top braces were NO JOKE... it took almost a month to get my teeth accustomed to them without soreness, tenderness and cold sores in my mouth. Then it was time for the bottoms, which THANK YOU JESUS, were waaay less traumatic of an adjustment. I still spend ENTIRELY too much time after meals cleaning between and around brackets and have a new found HATE relationship with ALL THE FOOD that is complicated to eat or involves much too much cleaning afterwards. 

In the most profound of news, my general junkiness/lackadaisical attitude towards home organization has evidently become a THING OF THE PAST with the onset of The Summer of 30.

People - this is my kitchen cabinet for tupperware - AND NO I DIDN'T JUST DO THIS - it has been this way OVER A MONTH.  

Also - THIS is our "new" closet in our extra bedroom/office that was UNWALKABLE... ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK... #theJUNKcloset... it was where everything ended up from all the other closets - out of season clothes, things that needed prepping for consigning, toys and games that I'd taken away or stashed away from the girls, extra linens, Christmas nativity, keepsakes without any other place, it was a HOT MESS.

A hot mess in which a SHELF BROKE under the stress, in which case, I pulled EVERYTHING - and I mean EVERYTHING out and convinced Michael we needed to TOTALLY revamp that closet since we don't use that room for a bedroom and don't intend to anytime soon, so the need for "hanging clothes" shelving was NOT vital... So I took down the old shelves and we bought new shelves and I bought a LOT of containers to beef up the ones I already had - and y'all, let me tell you, when I had ALL the things out - it took up the entire floor of the office/hall and half of the living room - it was a TORNADO of STUFF!

But now - now it looks like this -

    

Labels still to come... trying to decide how I want to do that since some of these large bins will rotate seasonal clothes - which answers that question - I will just label them "out of season" clothes.

SWEET.

goodbye to the fish in the trifle dish

Today marks the final swim in the life of Sherry, the fish who lives in my trifle dish.

She has spent her whole 3 years and 5 months as a resident of the Williams family trifle dish.

Over two months ago, we had our first scare that Sherry the Fish was on her last swim. She was floating sideways on the top of the water... we immediately changed her water out, with no obvious changes in her behavior... and decided she'd be gone by morning.

But she wasn't.

Then last week, she was on the marbles, very still, and we decided she was on her last swim.. but again, we changed the water, convinced she'd be gone by morning.

But she wasn't.

However, Sunday, she returned to the bottom of the marbles and her gill movement was very slow. We changed her water.... no change... around 5 p.m., I changed it again... no change.

She was gone by 7.

When we got home Monday we told Hayley - she reacted MUCH better than expected. She decorated her medicine bottle casket, slipped on her favorite fancy shoes, and placed Sherry in her final resting spot (after a quick photo op) and placed the bulldog over the site. (probably, a little large of a headstone for such a tiny fish). Michael asked if they wanted to pray and she said "Yes, you pray daddy... you are the FISH MAN!"

This morning, Bowen asked "Is Sherry still dead?" to which I replied yes. And she replied "And she'll stay dead?" to which I said "Yes." That seemed to satisfy her.

    

    

And then, a week went by

Well, last week - whew!

Started out with a flu diagnosis for me. This is the first time EVER that I've gotten the flu! Luckily, we caught it early and other than some fatigue, once the meds kicked in, I felt pretty good. The sleeping on the couch to keep from infecting Michael wasn't so fun since I'm longer than couch, but was a necessary precaution.

Wednesday Hayley had some fluke stomach issues that required me getting her from school. We have attributed this to anxiety - she didn't handle me being "untouchable" for several days. We think she worked herself into a stomach ache! We're not sure what to do about it, or how to help her when she works herself into a panic that doesn't respond to logical or repeated assurances.

Friday we launched our Crazy Hot 'Lanta Tour (named by Michael no doubt) for a "Be My Valentine Adventure"... we met up with Mischa & her crew as well as Breezy for the Georgia Aquarium, a visit to "Aunt" Jan's house and the LEGOland Discovery Center. It was, well, a Griswald kind of day! Just outside of Atlanta, Bowen PUKED all over herself and carseat, Mischa was rear-ended and Big Dave was too sick to make the trip. We made several extra trips to the bathroom or nearest trashcan with Bowen during the Aquarium but she didn't get sick again, but wasn't herself at all. Sullivan blew out her first outfit within the first 30 minutes in the Aquarium. Later, the GPS gave bad directions on a turn that was non-existant, and Mischa says Sullivan had a COME UNDONE at 11:30 p.m. in the hotel room that ended with Mischa sleeping on the floor for a portion of the night. None of these were "make or break" experiences but it was enough with the general chaos of a traveling circus to fully call the day a "Friday the 13th" kind of day.

Saturday we did the LEGOLand Discovery Center and it was fun, our girls could have stayed much longer than we did and I wish we would have let them, just wasn't thinking clearly at the time! Maybe a write up on that later.

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My heart has been centered on the "guard your heart and mind" mentality lately. There is so much in our culture that is controversial, is contrary to our beliefs as followers of Jesus, or inappropriate for viewing, reading or talking about.

It is a hard place for many believers, to be IN this world, but NOT OF this world.

We must guard our hearts from things that are contradictory to Biblical principles Guard our hearts from actions that have consequences in our own minds, hearts and souls - as well as in the lives of others. We can not bring in filth and expect to live in righteousness. And I'm not saying I've got this figured out. But I think of it, like I think of the way we monitor what our girls are exposed to... sometimes, it is just not a worthy endeavor of time or attention, it is not something that will uplift us or cause greater good or refinement. We all get a choice. But what we put into our lives, it affects every part of our lives.

not my words totally: intention vs. attention

Our church is currently working its way through Fast Track . This past week was Week 2, which looked generally at the Old Testament Kings Saul, David & Solomon.

Here was the lesson, paraphrased and regurgitated:

The main point: the walking away point: It is not our INTENTION but our ATTENTION that determines our destination.

So, the illustration of these kings... all of these kings were divinely appointed by God to do big things... but they get lost in themselves. They get lost in their own confidence, jealousy or other thoughts away from God. They take their eyes off God and brush his guidance to the side.

When placed in their positions, they had every INTENTION of being all that God appointed them to be. But once they came into their position, they gave their ATTENTION to all things other than God.

So, Saul, the wise king... got so proud of himself and so self-righteous of his own position and so greedy for earthly wealth that he literally left God behind and took matters into his own hands... and was unrepentant of it.

David, perhaps the greatest songwriter and most noted musician in the Bible, becomes so filled with lust for something that didn't belong to him, that not only did he take it, but arranged murder to cover his secret sins, a murder precedent that reigned in his family for years to come. David spent all his time trying to hide his dirty secrets without being repentant of his own responsibility.

Solomon married outside the faith and became absorbed the worldly traditions around him, becoming so worldly that he abandoned his vows, and his pride in self, got him physically imprisoned and injured.

Each man had great intentions when he came into the role given to him by God. But their attention didn't stay true to God, his way and his provisions.

They all started strong.

They all started faithful.

They all saw God's plan and promise come to be in their lives.

They had honest hearts set on honoring God.

Then life happened, and they gave their attention to everything else.

Maybe for us, its not the big murder, the big affair, the big explosion of unfaithfulness.

Maybe for us, its that we aren't INTENTIONAL with our ATTENTION.

We don't look at things that matter, we fill the voids and the quiet with meaningless information or meaningless activities. We just lose ourselves in the daily until we are just barely surviving.

It isn't our INTENTIONS that separate us from God, its our ATTENTION.

woah. talk about something to think about.


(the Bible session: Fast Track: can be found here)

Sign Language - Much More Than Gestures

One of the most enjoyable times of experience at UGA for me, was enrolling in ESL classes and learning about Deaf culture and sign language and what it truly means.

Its not a substitute language... it is its own language, its own culture, its own beautiful tapestry of people and stories and unique expresssions.

Its beautiful



or view here http://youtu.be/AHfC6jqBhkk

just breathe

I spent 3 days of this last week attending a Minister's Wives & Friends retreat hosted by the Georgia Baptist Convention... I'm going to be perfectly honest, I was a little hesitant of what it would be like, especially considering that unlike many wives of preachers, my husband wasn't a preacher when we married. I knew we'd always be involved in ministry and in church, but hadn't thought we'd be where we are now. But it is good, and it is right.

This retreat was wonderful... a relaxing, peaceful and sweet time with Jesus and it was refreshing.

The theme verse was from Esther 4:14 "...perhaps you have come to your royal position for such a time as this." And honestly, for me, I haven't been feeling like I was in any kind of royal position. But I have been given such a good life, so much, and, have so much to be thankful for... and with such, I have to see everything with innate thankfulness, innate joy and innate purpose.

While there, we heard Karen Peck sing, and this song just resonated into the softest part of a wounded heart.

See, sometimes, I just get stuck in surviving... in making it to bedtime, in making it to the point of the day where I don't HAVE to do anything else... and in that, I end up feeling deflated in being spent long before the day is over...

Here's the chorus...


While we are waiting for the promise of what is yet to come
Finish well
Every day that we are given
Finish well
For the glory of his name
Finish strong
Until the Savior finally calls us home
Give it everything we have
Finish well
Karen Peck & New River(listen to it on youtube here)

oh, what's that, you're leaving town?

So, on the total other end of the spectrum from my earlier post....



I'm preparing today to be out of town Thursday - Saturday. Only me. My girls and husband will be home... and turns out, I have a little doomsday prepper in me... something I blame on Big Dave, but none the less. I wrote about it once before and I can't find the post now to link back to it, but I will try and find it and come add it back in.

So, rabbit trail, but, I'm leaving for a whole 2.5 days. Does anyone else prep their house and pantry and fridge like a winter storm is coming in Georgia?

I went to the grocery store and bought more food than my family could possibly eat in those 3 days, but just to be sure.

I spent 10 minutes bagging up lunch items for the girls who already had enough to choose from, including me buying new options, just to be sure.

I scrubbed random parts of the bathroom that have needed that more than just today. Hello, shower door hinge.

The only thing Michael really ever asks me to do ... pick out the girls clothes and shoes. And trust me, I've forgotten, and been very well reminded that I forgot when I arrive to see them wearing all kind of mismatch-hot-mess level attire in public.

Yet, I prep like I'm going to be gone a week... and like Michael isn't a competent housekeeper (He's actually better than me).. and cook (also, better than me)... and grocery shopper (ok, he probably wouldn't go shopping).

crazy.

the same kind of broken

If I've figured out anything about being an adult, a mother and a wife... its that I haven't figured out much of anything at all.

For sure, being mom and wife are two of the hardest jobs ever. Much harder than my job that pays me.

One of the things that makes it hard for me, is that I struggle with the same places of brokenness, self-dissatisfaction and doubt now as I did 2 years into our marriage and after 6 years of being Mama.

And while there are parts of my heart, mind, attitude and behavior that I have been able to change for the better in due time and with lots of prayer and hard work.

There are places of me that are the same kind of broken now... maybe even worse than before.

And those places are mostly all of my own making.

But, to get out of those habits, those emotions, those behaviors... its a lot harder than I thought.

Its more of a war than a battle... and sometimes I feel like I've got it all together.... and sometimes I feel like I'm one step from being a huge failure.

I love my family. With everything I am.

I just gotta find a way to fix the broken.

when it wasn't the plan

Sometimes, life just doesn't look like the plan we had for it.

Even those of us who don't claim to be planners, who are pretty roll with the flow, it is what it is.

Even then, somewhere, in the back of our minds or in the darkest corners of our hearts, we have an idea of some kind of plan.

I thought I'd be married by now. I thought I'd be an accomplished _______ by now. I thought I'd know who I am by now. I thought I'd have this "adult" thing figured out by now. I thought....

And we wonder....

Why not? Why me? Why isn't this working out? What am I supposed to be doing? Where am I supposed to be? Is there someone out there for me? Will anything that I ever thought about my life be the way I thought it would be?

And sometimes we then look around and we think that even less of our lives make sense.

In our Sunday School lesson this past week, we talked about being the voice of injustice... but more so, at the heart of being the voice of injustice, is being a person removed from prejudices, removed from fear of others, removed from anything that would keep us from loving people for who they are, where they are, how they are.

it is most important that we see ourselves and each other, not in the image of their sin, but in the image of Christ.

When life doesn't pan out like we planned, we are still the image of Christ.

He still hears our smallest whispers, our deepest fears and the thoughts that surround us on the days when it seems our life just ISN'T.

He sees the parts of us that we fight to protect, fight to veil, fight to maintain.

And even when we rage against him with all we are. When we are convinced that He is in now way a part of what has happened, is happening or will happen.

He still sees us as His.

And he whispers his promises for us. Quietly, in the tiniest of places where hope lives.

Trust me and pursue me.

And it won't make sense. Right now... or maybe ever.

But it won't be for waste.

Done: Florida Caverns, Marianna, FL

This past Monday we took our crew... and I mean, ALL our crew...

To Marianna Florida to explore the Florida Caverns Cave Tour.

I'm gonna be real honest, I was a little aprehensive of taking 3 big kids who aren't all that crazy about the dark (per their going to bed antics) and 2 toddlers who love their independence into a dark, confined, underground space.... combine that with 3 adults with varying degrees of claustrophobia, a 3 month old in a carrier...and this could have gone bad... very bad.

But it was a great trip. For us, this is about an hour and 15 minutes from Breezy's house, 2 hours from ours. We left around 9:15 and with the time difference, made it there in time to take the 9:30 tour of the caverns. They were really quite impressive, and not all that confining feeling. Our little minions all did really great obeying the no touching, stay together and follow instructions.

It was a good, short trip (45 minutes inside the caverns) just right for our kiddos. I am sure they might would gain more from the tour guides informational speeches if they were a little older, but they were entertained with the puddles in the path, and the ducking and weaving through the paths.

We didn't explore the rest of the park, but there were several nice trails sprawling out past the caverns for nature walks and a picnic area for snacking.

It was a win.

Official Website: http://www.floridastateparks.org/floridacaverns/

Cost: $5 per vehicle to enter park; $8 per person over 13, $5 per child 3-12

you do you boo

The number of times I've heard this out of Lane's mouth I can't even remember.

But today, for some reason, as I was mulling over the day, I thought of how this is really the best thing we can do as representatives of Christ. First, we must be sure that who we are and what we do is a positive reflection of Jesus. His grace, mercy and love.

But after that, we just need to do us.

Be us.

Today was the first onsite Bible study at a local college where we are working to establish a BCM ministry... and I know it has been BCM for a significant period of time, but in my head, and usually outloud I say.. formerly BSU. Because, well, it was.

As the Bible Study portion started I sat down at a table with a mixed group of not-quite 20-somethings... who I am quite sure had their doubts about this now OLD lady busting up in their group.... but, if our goal is to form relationships with these students, we can't do that only talking to each other.

After the study ended, I stuck around talking with this group and realized.. it would be really easy for most of us to turn into chameleons in that setting - to try and talk, mimic and squeeze ourself into their likeness... in an effort to be like them, to form connection.

But, I'm not like them.. in a lot of ways... the best thing I can do, if I'm planning on investing in them, is to be me. And when we find the same things funny, great. And when we can have conversation, great. Because each time I have a chance, I want to know their story and let them know that their voice, their opinions, their futures matter. That God has purpose for them. And that I am grateful to meet them as who they are... similarities and differences aside.

The worst thing we can do in establishing relationship with another person is to become or pretend to be someone we are not. Its fake. And its a lot of work. And it will wear us down. And it will cause distrust. Because most of us, we've got a radar for when someone is being real with us... and deep down, that's more important to good relationship than being who they want us to be.

I'm now an almost 30 married working mom of 2 with a full-time working, pastoring and seminary attending husband and an online-based job that most of my people don't understand. Some days I'm pretty proud of how fashionably appropriate I am and some days I'm glad its still socially acceptable to wear t-shirts in public. I've seen life beyond college. I've seen life beyond high school. I don't know what my life will bring next. I don't know much of anything... other than that God is totally real in dealing with me... and I owe everyone the same.

Bethel Music: In Over My Head ft. Jenn Johnson

And sometimes, when the silence is big... its someone else's voice that breaks through.

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=915507638479694&set=vb.114683948562071&type=2&theater

when the silence feels big

Sometimes, the silence just feels big.

And heavy.

And hard to shake.

I don't expect to live a life constantly spouting deep, heavy and personally profound revelations.

But surely there's some middle ground between those waxing poetic moments and "did you see this meme floating around on FB yesterday"?

Surely.

Part of the challenge of this space is the self-imposed pressure to make sure that the words are valuable. That they mean something to me.. or will mean something to me somewhere down the line.. or that they will mean something, or at least be entertaining to those of you who come by my tiny corner of the interwebs.

And before I know it, I'm neck deep in feeling squished by the silence. Racking my brain for something of pertinence... a reflection of my inner thoughts, or a comical experience with those two girls who call me Mama.

Turns out, sometimes silence is big.

But that's usually because we decide to make it that way.

not so radical, historically speaking

I think we all struggle at times to figure out what our voice is in the world.. or even more importantly, what our voice is to ourselves.

I've read the stories, heard the testimonies, followed the blogs of people who have experience, survived, are thriving, are living, are doing radically out of the ordinary things.

And I've felt the pressure, probably all self-imposed because I'm pretty good at setting impossible standards for myself, that my story wasn't one that would meet someone whose life was so very different from mine and be a common ground.

Because I don't have a radical story. My life, has been pretty ordinary, which makes it extraordinary because my life, so far, hasn't been defined by these major events... major battles, major disappointments, major blow-things-out-of-the-water.

But I face and have faced my own set of demons.. stories for another time, or maybe another place.

Yesterday, I had a change in perspective... or at least the beginning on one...

What if... its NOT about a Radical testimony from your past or a Radical circumstance of your present (both of which are valid and ever-important part of the greater faith witness of believers".... what if its about living your life out in a radical way?

Not picket signs and demonstrations kind of Radical.

But, deliberate and consistent choices to be different.

Radically investing in those closest to us.

Removing our pre-dispositions... putting our judgement away... and looking straight into the eyes of those in our life, and being radically all in with them.

Including those who are hard. Including those we don't know. Including the ones that are family, friends, neighbors, strangers.

The radical nature of my life may not be in circumstances... and I'm good with that if that continues to be the case.

on the right track

Its been a while, a minute, an eternity since I felt the smallest voice from God speaking to my prayers... and I know that's not because HE was anywhere other than where he always been.

As I've read these books by Kristen Welch and Jen Hatmaker, I've changed the voice of my prayers to asking the hard questions, the personal ones... what's my role? what should I see? what should I be doing? What should I let go?

......

Last night at church we had our first Wednesday night "Sing Night" a time for our church to practice some of the "new to us" songs from our 1978 hymnal... or at least, songs other than our standard rotation of around 25 "favorites" that have donned our bulletins since, well, since a long time. We're a small bunch of faithful attendees, and we know what we know, but wanted to get a better voice to what we didn't... its kinda like choir practice, but we don't have a choir.

And in each song, each song that our pianist played, including a few callouts based on being just a page over, spoken painfully truthful words into my heart.

A small whisper back.

Yes, Lord. I hear you.

More From Interrupted

Praying for open eyes to our everyday small... We know where we are planted, now to be faithful stewards of faith to those around us.

(Jen Hatmaker, Interrupted, p.176)

When Your Voice Comes Back Little

Nothing is as humbling, and possibly mortifying, and definitely piercing.. to hear your words, your tone, your attitudes coming out of the tiny mouths of your own tiny people.

Let's just say, my voice comes back little... in point, pressured, tightly controlled words.

Not necessarily the voice of gentleness, comfort and kindness... not necessarily the voice of mercy and grace.

It hurts to hear it come back to you little.

B: You aren't being nice.
H: in a tightly controlled, anger-hilted voice: I can't help you if you don't tell me what I did. You need to calm down and tell me what the problem is.
B: You aren't being nice.
H: I can't do anything about it if you can't tell me what's got you upset.

In essence, I hear you are upset but you must meet my demands before you get empathy... and you must meet them with little to no compassion in the mean time.

Yikes.

I don't resolve to do anything in this new year - as it determines it for failure.

Instead, I'm asking for redemption.

Redeem my words and take my anger. Redeem my words and cover my children in grace, mercy and compassion.

Meet me in this grind.

A New Year

I don't usually wax poetic or get overly sentimental and I certainly don't make resolutions as that is a confirmation that those things will definitely not be happening in the new year.. or possibly ever.

But this year has felt different... I'm going to blame it on getting older, I'll be 30 this year and that was a minor crisis in itself during my April birthday of 29. Now, I'm dealing with it in a much more appropriate age - deflecting that my 30 will make Mom 50.. its only fair.

This past year has been a good one, it really has... no major upheavals, no major health issues, not even a lot of minor issues... by all accounts, its a year that wasn't the worst ever.

However, in this past year I've struggled with the spiritual darkness that comes with trying to find a new way... to get back center in the will and comfort and boldness of God. I guess I'm a little different than most, I didn't really have a crisis of faith as a teen or college kid - it was the opposite. Those years of my life were filled with great teachers, great learning and conviction and powerful times face to face with my Jesus. Not the boxed-in Jesus of stuffy church pews or dried up Bible belt face, but the meet you in the weakest places and move you in the boldness of speech kind of places. Instead, as an adult with a family, the balance of my faith and life and convictions.. its all kind of jumbled together... I'm just, really, trying to find my footing... or regain my footing.. .or something. It has been this weird place where I am still fully confident in the power and persistent presence of God... but not feeling as if I can/am his hands, his feet and his eyes.

So amid my long wish-list of books to read, I got two for Christmas. The first, Rhinestone Jesus by Kristin Welch (linked here) and the second, Interrupted by Jen Hatmaker (linked here).

 

This two books have certainly put a wreck to my already disrupted brain... and while I'm still reading Interrupted, they both are throwing some pretty thought provoking questions my way.

From Rhinestone Jesus:

- She writes of struggling to balance her convictions on buying second-hand, fair-trade and other equally respectable convictions, she encounters a friend who asks her this... "What is your one thing?" "What is your passion? If you could pick one thing God has called you to do, what would it be? One?" (p.162)

Can we take a minute to ask ourselves that again... what is YOUR one thing? what's MY one thing? See, I've done a little of a lot of it--- we've taken mission trips to support a beloved church and missionary family in Costa Rica, we have sponsored children through World Vision, we've packed Operation Christmas Child boxes, I've taught VBS, I've lead Children's Camp, we've given money, we've collected soap, socks, coats and everything in between, I've taught Sunday School, I became an ESL certified teacher, I've been a part of small groups,... and on and on, I've got lots of things that I've done/am doing... and so far, many of them, would fall under the NOT my ONE list. Don't get me wrong, they are good things, they are making kingdom differences in their respective places, they are noble efforts and causes and people.. but would I choose them to be my ONE thing???? I'm not sure.

And that has begun to wreck me.

And from there, I moved into Interrupted.. and while I'm not done, its also asking some pretty big questions.

 (p. 62)

Interrupted confronts passive, internally centered faith in action to be missional and intentional for the least. It has SOOOO many statistics that will wreck your world view, and your American church view, and really, any view you thought you had without the numbers to back them up. And it asks the hard question about going out from the church, because, in reality, not many are coming in... its about getting outside of the walls. Having open hearts and hands and minds and having strong voices.

And that too, has been a challenging digest.

What's my one thing God? And what is it that you would have me to do?