There are these moments...in mothering...that are almost surreal. These moments where everything seems a little fuzzy except what is in your sights at that specific time at that specific places. Its almost as if everything freezes but at the same time its a small glimpse into something bigger than that place, that moment.
In some of those moments...things seem so big. You walk in, after noticing your 4 year old has been very quiet for an undefined amount of time. To find her, head bent, eyes focused, feet crossed, perfectly poised over a coloring book in a desk that's a little too big. And in that moment, she seems so big. So big. And in that same moment you see how that look that covers her face in that moment before she says "Mama! You scared me!" ... how that is a look that will cover her face for years to come. When she is serious, and focused and concentrating. When she's so immersed into her own thoughts, contentfully alone caught in her own moment. And it just floors you as her Mom.
Then there are those moments where they seem so small. When hurt or pain or discomfort overcomes them... their faces fill with alligator tears, they scream or cry or both. You blow in their face just to get them to breath between the ruckus. And you find yourself, face inches from a toilet, for almost an hour, as a child who has just recently learned to use it, fights with her body to do just that. And in that moment, she seems so small. Her body so little. And you pray and pray and push your patience futher. And everything seems to be in slow motion. And it seems to soon or too quick or just too much. How did we get here? Is she really this big? And when her tiredness for bedtime overcomes her, your oldest daughter finds both of you sleeping on the bathroom floor and brings you back to reality with a "Why are you sleeping in the bathroom? And she doesn't have any pants on?"
These moments, they fly away into memory too quickly and sometimes flee from memory before you ever get a chance for them to sink in. There's the look in their eyes, an expression on their face, where you see how much of their "little" is fleeting and how much of their "big" they've already become... and sometimes, you see you a glimpse of what their "big" will look like. And as a Mama, it just brings you to your knees.
