So its been a while since I've done a Dear.... Letter (see previous ones by clicking the tag below), but lets drag this one on back up in the posting...
Dear nameless birthday-party-supply-company-who-sent-me-a-magazine-today,
For the record, dear supply company, it is totally NOT LEGIT to send a magazine and then have the products on "limited availability" or "out of stock" ... um, I'm sorry..did you actually mail this out months ago and I somehow missed the "stocked" supplies, because I got PEOPLE who work for the POST OFFICE that will totally back me up on my mail not getting "lost" or "delayed" on their watch. And, dear company, if indeed, my mail was direct from me to you, exactly how many supplies were you NOT planning on making once you shamelessly promoted them to birthday planning mothers all over. And PLEASE tell me how the solid color plates and tableware are in such high demand that you have them in limited quantities, but I can buy TWENTY of the extremely character-ized party sets without any quantity issues...especially since those are TWICE as expensive as the solid colors?
And for the record, while we're on it, IN WHAT WORLD do sets of napkins or dessert plates need to come in packs of 18? I mean, really, who says "I think I'll have a party of 18 today...not 15 or 20, but 18...that seems like a GREAT balance between not too big and not too small!
Sincerely,
Next Time Your Magazine is Going in the Trash EVEN if it did catch me with its $5 off coupon this time.
I am WISE to your SCHEMES!
Tuesday, April 24
Monday, April 23
true story
Tonight I went to my monthly women's group.. its a good time for my soul.
I also received this text, not much over an hour from when I left home:
Just finished an hour long stand off with Bowen sitting in the corner... she wouldn't say yes sir even after two pops on the rear.
Y'all, this girl of ours... she is fiercly her own!
Then 30 minutes later:
P.S. Your cookies are gone
What happens when daddy stays home, doesn't always stay with daddy at home!!
I also received this text, not much over an hour from when I left home:
Just finished an hour long stand off with Bowen sitting in the corner... she wouldn't say yes sir even after two pops on the rear.
Y'all, this girl of ours... she is fiercly her own!
Then 30 minutes later:
P.S. Your cookies are gone
What happens when daddy stays home, doesn't always stay with daddy at home!!
Sunday, April 22
more steps
Its been quiet here in my corner... but a different kind of quiet from before.
I've been alternating between sitting in contentment and fighting my soul into peacefulness.
There is so much confirmation that I wish I had taken the small moments to write it all down, to show all the means in which God has spoken His upcoming provision to me in the past few weeks. In blog posts, music, articles... it is almost unsettling how intrisicly everything is connected together, but knowing its Divine, it makes it unexplainable.
I still don't have the details on what this next phase looks like. I still have two weeks of processing out with the last phase. Its an interesting feeling, to know that in two weeks everything changes, but yet, in those two weeks, so much stays the same.
Its like a present that you wrap with care... making sure that everything is just right. Tying up the past with a pretty bow, tagging it with finality.
It does a heart good to have time to process transition. To fully breathe it in, understand it, prepare for it, and work through it.
The tears that come with seperation, are replaced by peace and anticipation. The nerves give way to "nesting" the details out.
I so appreciate y'all walking this journey with me.
I've been alternating between sitting in contentment and fighting my soul into peacefulness.
There is so much confirmation that I wish I had taken the small moments to write it all down, to show all the means in which God has spoken His upcoming provision to me in the past few weeks. In blog posts, music, articles... it is almost unsettling how intrisicly everything is connected together, but knowing its Divine, it makes it unexplainable.
I still don't have the details on what this next phase looks like. I still have two weeks of processing out with the last phase. Its an interesting feeling, to know that in two weeks everything changes, but yet, in those two weeks, so much stays the same.
Its like a present that you wrap with care... making sure that everything is just right. Tying up the past with a pretty bow, tagging it with finality.
It does a heart good to have time to process transition. To fully breathe it in, understand it, prepare for it, and work through it.
The tears that come with seperation, are replaced by peace and anticipation. The nerves give way to "nesting" the details out.
I so appreciate y'all walking this journey with me.
Tuesday, April 17
day to day
I have done much more scurrying than dwelling the last few days.
Such in life in transition... many of the day to days must still go on as if nothing has changed... yet so much is still uncertain.
------
Our girls successfully performed as flower girls this weekend. They did MUCH better than expected... no fits or tears or tantrums or refusal to go down the aisle.
Major accomplishment.
And they looked just precious doing it!
Such in life in transition... many of the day to days must still go on as if nothing has changed... yet so much is still uncertain.
------
Our girls successfully performed as flower girls this weekend. They did MUCH better than expected... no fits or tears or tantrums or refusal to go down the aisle.
Major accomplishment.
And they looked just precious doing it!
Sunday, April 15
the walk continues
To say that God has been moving in big ways this week doesn't seem enough to give Him praise for His moving.
This week has brought tears and laughter for me, but ultimately, its brought peace and its brought first-hand knowledge of just how invested God is in our lives.
Even if we've gone months without feeling Him as closely as other times in our lives.
Even if we've wasted countless days on things that are not OF Him of FOR Him.
He is a thorough and detailed God.
Who answers even the smallest steps of faith.
And knows me well enough to only provide the smallest of "nexts" in time.
To keep my resting and trusting in Him.
Even as I see Him working.
I must whisper to my heart again and again....
Be still and know that He is God
Be still and know that He is faithful.
Trust in Him.
Do not worry, do not push, do not fret.
Breathe.
Trust.
Wait.
In all things, He is working.
In all things, He knows the way.
Wait.
This week has brought tears and laughter for me, but ultimately, its brought peace and its brought first-hand knowledge of just how invested God is in our lives.
Even if we've gone months without feeling Him as closely as other times in our lives.
Even if we've wasted countless days on things that are not OF Him of FOR Him.
He is a thorough and detailed God.
Who answers even the smallest steps of faith.
And knows me well enough to only provide the smallest of "nexts" in time.
To keep my resting and trusting in Him.
Even as I see Him working.
I must whisper to my heart again and again....
Be still and know that He is God
Be still and know that He is faithful.
Trust in Him.
Do not worry, do not push, do not fret.
Breathe.
Trust.
Wait.
In all things, He is working.
In all things, He knows the way.
Wait.
Friday, April 13
and He answers.
The veil begins to move.
http://youtu.be/JU4U8_wMdRs
And while the end is not certain,
the path continues to be made.
Praise Him.
The veil begins to move.
http://youtu.be/JU4U8_wMdRs
And while the end is not certain,
the path continues to be made.
Praise Him.
Thursday, April 12
unsettled
tonight, my soul is unsettled.
mostly because my SELF is fighting to control the outcomes.
and when SELF does that, there is only chaos and internal turmoil.
even before there are choices to be made
even while the unknowns are greater than the knows
my flesh wants to control it.
to change to way.
or more accurately,
to make a way
to force an outcome
trying to still my heart to listen for His direction
I can not leap where He doesn't lead.
And I can not lead Him to where I see.
Talking myself down
over and over again.
If God ordains, surely He will make a way (taken from musical/drama Two from Galilee).
Trust in the Lord your God. He will give you the desires of your Heart. In all things, he works for the good of those who loved Him and are called according to His purpose. In as much as the flowers of the fields are beautifully clothed, how much MORE does He delight in us and care for us.
Lord,
I will not run ahead of You. Though everything human in me seeks to know, I will wait. I. will. wait. I will trust and I will know that you dwell in peace. And in peace I must await Your leading. I can not change or make an outcome out of desire alone, I place my desires in your hands. Quiet them so I only hear you.
mostly because my SELF is fighting to control the outcomes.
and when SELF does that, there is only chaos and internal turmoil.
even before there are choices to be made
even while the unknowns are greater than the knows
my flesh wants to control it.
to change to way.
or more accurately,
to make a way
to force an outcome
trying to still my heart to listen for His direction
I can not leap where He doesn't lead.
And I can not lead Him to where I see.
Talking myself down
over and over again.
If God ordains, surely He will make a way (taken from musical/drama Two from Galilee).
Trust in the Lord your God. He will give you the desires of your Heart. In all things, he works for the good of those who loved Him and are called according to His purpose. In as much as the flowers of the fields are beautifully clothed, how much MORE does He delight in us and care for us.
Lord,
I will not run ahead of You. Though everything human in me seeks to know, I will wait. I. will. wait. I will trust and I will know that you dwell in peace. And in peace I must await Your leading. I can not change or make an outcome out of desire alone, I place my desires in your hands. Quiet them so I only hear you.
piece by piece
In each step of this journey, as I confirm again and again that my resignation will stand. That I will walk this road.
He meets me in the most suprising of places.
I received an email and a letter, both from separate sources, both with options...possible chances for investment... possible opportunities to serve, to give, to be a part of a big picture.
They arrived within minutes of returning from the staff meeting where my resignation became public knowledge to the leading staff members of this place.
Be still He says. Wait He says. Trust He says.
And even though much is still unanswered.
The pieces, are weaving together.
And while I am too afraid to count on anything other than Him just now.
I think that's right where I should be.
Waiting. Testing.
Open.
Praise Him.
He meets me in the most suprising of places.
I received an email and a letter, both from separate sources, both with options...possible chances for investment... possible opportunities to serve, to give, to be a part of a big picture.
They arrived within minutes of returning from the staff meeting where my resignation became public knowledge to the leading staff members of this place.
Be still He says. Wait He says. Trust He says.
And even though much is still unanswered.
The pieces, are weaving together.
And while I am too afraid to count on anything other than Him just now.
I think that's right where I should be.
Waiting. Testing.
Open.
Praise Him.
weaving it together
In the short minutes after I called my boss (yes, I called him, he wasn't in the office and I had already talked to the in-office Admin team), literally, within 2 minutes, an email came across which confirmed that the story was really beginning.
I received an email from a pregnancy crisis center in a nearby town.
A center I had emailed after a quick search for crisis centers in Georgia.
An email I sent on Saturday morning, before anyone other than Michael knew what I was thinking.
And in the moments after hanging up with my boss, making my resignation official.
I received it.
A confirmation email that they are accepting volunteers and will be sending me information on their clinic.
Something that is exciting and somewhat terrifying.
Because I'm still not sure of much of the path.
Or what the end picture looks like.
But I know that the weaving, it is God and He is moving.
Meeting my meagar,small faith steps in big ways.
Praise Him.
I received an email from a pregnancy crisis center in a nearby town.
A center I had emailed after a quick search for crisis centers in Georgia.
An email I sent on Saturday morning, before anyone other than Michael knew what I was thinking.
And in the moments after hanging up with my boss, making my resignation official.
I received it.
A confirmation email that they are accepting volunteers and will be sending me information on their clinic.
Something that is exciting and somewhat terrifying.
Because I'm still not sure of much of the path.
Or what the end picture looks like.
But I know that the weaving, it is God and He is moving.
Meeting my meagar,small faith steps in big ways.
Praise Him.
Wednesday, April 11
the rest of the story... at least the beginning
So as I've hinted at... its been a big week around these parts.
And since so much of it stems from what I've learned and seen in the blogging community, its time to share it with y'all too.
On Monday, I resigned from my job.
My perfectly safe. Perfectly paying-the-bills. Monday through Friday, 8 - 5 job.
Resigned.
And that's where the rest of the story really is... when I posted this I was also dealing with an internal battle that I've been fighting for months now.
This perfectly good, perfectly normal job I have.... it doesn't make me feel important. Which isn't the point at all. But what I do, while important to our business function, is not important to my FAITH function. Its not essential for the Kingdom. Its not a valuable use of my time for God.
And I'm not jumping into the extreme "you have to be radical to be a good believer" camp here. That's not where I'm coming from.
But I wanted to be able to look my girls in the face one day, when they are old enough to understand, and tell them that Mama does what she does because it matters. Because it affects things for the better. Because its being faithful to her convictions.
That job security. Safety. The way everyone else does life... is not the only way.
And so I went to see October Baby.
And while I'd seen the previews and pre-screened some of the Every Life is Beautiful cameos.
It rocked my world.
To think about all those babies that are affected by abortion. Babies like mine who never even had a shot at changing the world, taken from it before they ever entered it.
To think about all those women, who made that choice, in that moment. And the lives that they lead past it, which are never fully separate from the decisions they've made.
To think of the parents, who walk the road of adoption, who carry the weight of their life stories (sometime hidden, sometime openly) with the children they call their own.
I thought about grace. Redemption. Truth.
The need and ache of a society who needs those things. Truth. Redemption. Grace. Options.
And while I am certainly not equipped to fight this battle.
My heart is invested in it.
I left the theatre in body-wretching, shaking, red face, full-out ugly cry.
And God whispered to me.
This matters.
This. Matters.
And I came home and drafted a resignation letter.
And on Monday turned to the co-workers who have become my work family.
And whispered that I was walking away.
To what... I wasn't sure. And I'm still not.
But I KNOW that if God intends to use me, I must be ready and willing to take the first faith step.
And that is what I am doing.
I covet your prayers.
And since so much of it stems from what I've learned and seen in the blogging community, its time to share it with y'all too.
On Monday, I resigned from my job.
My perfectly safe. Perfectly paying-the-bills. Monday through Friday, 8 - 5 job.
Resigned.
And that's where the rest of the story really is... when I posted this I was also dealing with an internal battle that I've been fighting for months now.
This perfectly good, perfectly normal job I have.... it doesn't make me feel important. Which isn't the point at all. But what I do, while important to our business function, is not important to my FAITH function. Its not essential for the Kingdom. Its not a valuable use of my time for God.
And I'm not jumping into the extreme "you have to be radical to be a good believer" camp here. That's not where I'm coming from.
But I wanted to be able to look my girls in the face one day, when they are old enough to understand, and tell them that Mama does what she does because it matters. Because it affects things for the better. Because its being faithful to her convictions.
That job security. Safety. The way everyone else does life... is not the only way.
And so I went to see October Baby.
And while I'd seen the previews and pre-screened some of the Every Life is Beautiful cameos.
It rocked my world.
To think about all those babies that are affected by abortion. Babies like mine who never even had a shot at changing the world, taken from it before they ever entered it.
To think about all those women, who made that choice, in that moment. And the lives that they lead past it, which are never fully separate from the decisions they've made.
To think of the parents, who walk the road of adoption, who carry the weight of their life stories (sometime hidden, sometime openly) with the children they call their own.
I thought about grace. Redemption. Truth.
The need and ache of a society who needs those things. Truth. Redemption. Grace. Options.
And while I am certainly not equipped to fight this battle.
My heart is invested in it.
I left the theatre in body-wretching, shaking, red face, full-out ugly cry.
And God whispered to me.
This matters.
This. Matters.
And I came home and drafted a resignation letter.
And on Monday turned to the co-workers who have become my work family.
And whispered that I was walking away.
To what... I wasn't sure. And I'm still not.
But I KNOW that if God intends to use me, I must be ready and willing to take the first faith step.
And that is what I am doing.
I covet your prayers.
Tuesday, April 10
errr...
So as I noted before... I really should be more aware of posting things like these.
Because, when you do something like think your life is pretty tame and pretty normal.
God, in my case, decides to shake things up a little.
And get all in my face about where my life is headed and what it stands for.
And that whole conversation started before and ended after... this movie
http://youtu.be/I_9l7lEe-AA
.
More details on this coming soon. But I highly suggest taking tissue to the movies if you put this on your watch list.
Still working through the process of being faithful, listening closely, and stepping out in faith.
Because, when you do something like think your life is pretty tame and pretty normal.
God, in my case, decides to shake things up a little.
And get all in my face about where my life is headed and what it stands for.
And that whole conversation started before and ended after... this movie
http://youtu.be/I_9l7lEe-AA
.
More details on this coming soon. But I highly suggest taking tissue to the movies if you put this on your watch list.
Still working through the process of being faithful, listening closely, and stepping out in faith.
Monday, April 9
proud
one of my favorite shots from a wedding I co-shot Saturday!
(this is straight out of camera, no edits!)
Saturday, April 7
abnormal
I know this is probably not a majority opinion.
But I strongly, strongly, strongly dislike
kissy pictures!
Like kissing couple engagement pictures and wedding pictures.
Or maybe,
I dislike that those are the ones that are most publicly displayed.
I mean, I've seen great photographers with great pictures.. but with all of them being kissy...
Something makes me feel all "creeper" being in their moment.
Now, I don't say that to offend anyone who loves them or has them or anything, because if its all good for you, its all good.
But, me, yuck.. yick... no thank you.
But I strongly, strongly, strongly dislike
kissy pictures!
Like kissing couple engagement pictures and wedding pictures.
Or maybe,
I dislike that those are the ones that are most publicly displayed.
I mean, I've seen great photographers with great pictures.. but with all of them being kissy...
Something makes me feel all "creeper" being in their moment.
Now, I don't say that to offend anyone who loves them or has them or anything, because if its all good for you, its all good.
But, me, yuck.. yick... no thank you.
little shopper
This in words will not do it justice.
But like so many moments with children under 2... namely Boa Sis... there is no way to capture what is happening when its happening...
And such is this.
We went to the beach (obviously if you've seen the few pictures I've posted so far over the last week.)
Near the beach is the outlet malls. Hello shopping where have you been ?!?!
We took the girls to the Carter's Outlet to find swimsuits.
We stop at the swimsuit racks which are halfway back through the store alongside one wall.
We (me and Aunt Mischa) say something about picking out new swimsuits and which ones do they like... and generally trying to keep them focused on this one area (because rookie outlet mama here forgot there was a lego table which would have totally kept them occupied).
So Bowen and Hayley are down. Mischa and I start flipping.
And then we hear
"oooooo cuuuuuttttteee"
about 12 times.
From BOWEN.
I sat down to try to slow her down, but then she began pulling hangers off the rack saying "oooo cute" and handing them to me.
"Ooooo cute" and "oooo cuuutte" and 12 hangers later, I'm laughing so hard I can't even stop her in her shopping glory.
It was a girl story.
For sure.
And it would have made her Breezy proud.
Because I'm pretty sure the "ooooo cute" came from her in the first place!
But like so many moments with children under 2... namely Boa Sis... there is no way to capture what is happening when its happening...
And such is this.
We went to the beach (obviously if you've seen the few pictures I've posted so far over the last week.)
Near the beach is the outlet malls. Hello shopping where have you been ?!?!
We took the girls to the Carter's Outlet to find swimsuits.
We stop at the swimsuit racks which are halfway back through the store alongside one wall.
We (me and Aunt Mischa) say something about picking out new swimsuits and which ones do they like... and generally trying to keep them focused on this one area (because rookie outlet mama here forgot there was a lego table which would have totally kept them occupied).
So Bowen and Hayley are down. Mischa and I start flipping.
And then we hear
"oooooo cuuuuuttttteee"
about 12 times.
From BOWEN.
I sat down to try to slow her down, but then she began pulling hangers off the rack saying "oooo cute" and handing them to me.
"Ooooo cute" and "oooo cuuutte" and 12 hangers later, I'm laughing so hard I can't even stop her in her shopping glory.
It was a girl story.
For sure.
And it would have made her Breezy proud.
Because I'm pretty sure the "ooooo cute" came from her in the first place!
Friday, April 6
note to self
Post something like this on your blog.
And God will reckon with you and the way you live your life.
And not in a bad way.
But He will.
Just trust me on this one for right now... ok?
And God will reckon with you and the way you live your life.
And not in a bad way.
But He will.
Just trust me on this one for right now... ok?
praise be
Today should warrant a gorgeous post.
One full of imagery, thankfulness, awe.
Filled with carefully crafted and doted upon words.
Today is "Good"
But there is nothing "Good" about the first Friday.
A day filled with mocking, scorn, pain and anguish.
A day when God stepped away from His son who was filled with so much un-holiness.
My unholiness.
Yours too. And generations that haven't even come to be.
Their unholiness.
The ugly broken sinful selfish often on repeat full-out no other way to look at it brokenness.
No humility in our brokenness. Just evil. Corruption. Greed. Natural Self.
So much to bear for one man.
Not too much to bear for One God.
Stretched out in the most painful of position.
In a place of no respect. No honor. Only grief.
The place of the skull.
The resting place of theives. Villians. Evil Ones.
The place of death of a Savior.
A merciful God.
A place of redemption.
Forgiveness.
Pain washed by blood.
Forgivenness bought with a price.
His life. His blood. His world.
For ours.
For mine.
Broken. Bleeding. Bruised.
Mocked. Acused.
There was nothing "good" about the first Friday.
But it was the first of the last.
The beginning of the end.
The initial continum on which God's kingdom would stand.
Sacrifice given. Wholeness received.
Praise be to the Father, who loved me over His Son.
Praise be to the Son, who loved me over His own life.
Praise. Be.
One full of imagery, thankfulness, awe.
Filled with carefully crafted and doted upon words.
Today is "Good"
But there is nothing "Good" about the first Friday.
A day filled with mocking, scorn, pain and anguish.
A day when God stepped away from His son who was filled with so much un-holiness.
My unholiness.
Yours too. And generations that haven't even come to be.
Their unholiness.
The ugly broken sinful selfish often on repeat full-out no other way to look at it brokenness.
No humility in our brokenness. Just evil. Corruption. Greed. Natural Self.
So much to bear for one man.
Not too much to bear for One God.
Stretched out in the most painful of position.
In a place of no respect. No honor. Only grief.
The place of the skull.
The resting place of theives. Villians. Evil Ones.
The place of death of a Savior.
A merciful God.
A place of redemption.
Forgiveness.
Pain washed by blood.
Forgivenness bought with a price.
His life. His blood. His world.
For ours.
For mine.
Broken. Bleeding. Bruised.
Mocked. Acused.
There was nothing "good" about the first Friday.
But it was the first of the last.
The beginning of the end.
The initial continum on which God's kingdom would stand.
Sacrifice given. Wholeness received.
Praise be to the Father, who loved me over His Son.
Praise be to the Son, who loved me over His own life.
Praise. Be.
Girl Mama
Hey there! My name is Meghan and I'm a GIRL mama! Meet my two littles...
Bowen (almost 2)
Hayley (almost 4)
(girls are 22 months, 4 days apart)
While I am already afraid of what the teenage years may bring us (because the sass and the attitude and the tears...oh the tears that can plague their little hearts now... will only continue I'm sure!)
Everyone tells me I "need" a boy... but I've got FOUR nephews which gives me plenty of high energy high-level boy exposure. And I know it sounds weird, but girl speed works for me. Boys, there is something special there with them and their mamas, but woah do they wear me out!
Part of it is probably that I'm from a girl family... just me and a sister. And 60% of all my first cousins (there are 13 of us) are female, so boys have just always been the minority for me!
All opinions aside (because everyone has their own... and I know where their Breezy stands in that there should just be MORE children, regardless of gender!)... I love being a girl mama.
Its the only kind of mama I know to be!
(click on labels below to see more posts on the girls.. and the explanation for their nicknames!)
Wednesday, April 4
relapse
Before, I may have mentioned that I'm a bit of a food-brand elitist.
In all our discussion on "Wellness Wednesdays" (see as tagged over here -----> ), we spent a little time about the low-to-no salt revolution at our house.
For the most part, this goes well. (excluding the bags of potato chips I hoard in my work office because Lays are just SO. GOOD.)
This weekend, we attempted to branch out some more by buying these. It was the first time we'd ever seen them, so we figured it'd be worth a shot, after all the Hint of Salt Triscuits are winners here with Mikie.
Now, the thing of note is HALF the sodium of regular Ritz... which by the way, you don't really want to know how salty those things are.
BUT, the deal breaker is... less than 5% of the taste of Ritz.
Even Mikie, who is the truest of the reformed salt-lovers in our house agrees.
These are terrible. Awful. Taste nothing like a Ritz even with cheese on top (which is the whole reason we bought them in the first place, obviously.)
So once again, I will stand, on my elitist ways for only TRUE sodium-will-kill-you-if-you-think-about-it, ORIGINAL Ritz.
In all our discussion on "Wellness Wednesdays" (see as tagged over here -----> ), we spent a little time about the low-to-no salt revolution at our house.
For the most part, this goes well. (excluding the bags of potato chips I hoard in my work office because Lays are just SO. GOOD.)
This weekend, we attempted to branch out some more by buying these. It was the first time we'd ever seen them, so we figured it'd be worth a shot, after all the Hint of Salt Triscuits are winners here with Mikie.
Now, the thing of note is HALF the sodium of regular Ritz... which by the way, you don't really want to know how salty those things are.
BUT, the deal breaker is... less than 5% of the taste of Ritz.
Even Mikie, who is the truest of the reformed salt-lovers in our house agrees.
These are terrible. Awful. Taste nothing like a Ritz even with cheese on top (which is the whole reason we bought them in the first place, obviously.)
So once again, I will stand, on my elitist ways for only TRUE sodium-will-kill-you-if-you-think-about-it, ORIGINAL Ritz.
coming clean
So I think I may have figured out what's got my blogging button broken...
I read this post which hit home with some thoughts I'd been having... and then coupled that thought process with the other thoughts I've been having, and figured out.
I have blog guilt.
Full. Onset. Blog. Guilt.
Those in the blogging community often talk about comparison and how we blog as much for ourselves as for others... its never meant to cause hard feelings, or be a competition, or anything other than a shared experience.
And I think that's true.
But I've also found... that I think my life is too NON-stressful or NON-radical to talk about... without putting others in an different place because our lives are different than theirs.
Which I don't know if anyone else would even feel that way, but that's what happens in my head.
I've read (and journey) via blog friends on the road of infertility and adoption, large families and overseas missionaries. Friends and families that are so different from mine, but that I've grown to follow with my heart as much as my eyes when I read. And I see their struggles, and I feel bad, that my life doesn't have those too.
Not that my life is perfect, because its not. But often, I feel like my burdens are less than others. And that I'll be read (by all 20 of you) as less than considerate.
And as I think of my life, all that I HAVEN'T or DON'T do, the things that I thought were ordinary until I read the lives of others... and think, I shouldn't share. I don't want to be read as bragging or less than appreciative or less than grateful or less than aware of the blessings that God has bestowed on us of no merit of our own. I don't want to focus on all that is right in my world when there are so many other worlds that are in struggle or in limbo or in.. something, anything... other than just fine.
So, I've decided I need to be fair to myself... and come clean with it.
1. I feel guilty that my two children came from uncomplicated pregnancies and births, and I haven't walked the infertility or miscarriage road. (and knowing the statistics, that makes me the exception, not the rule)
and really, that's the biggest one. Why did God give us 2 children who came so easily, when so many others have so much to conquer to bring their children into this world or into their homes?
2. We minister in a small church that isn't accomplishing big things by "church" standards.
3. We've never battled unexpected death or chronic or serious onset sickness in our immediate families.
4. We've not had a major life-changing moment that restructures everything we know.
We've been so blessed (and that sounds so insincere....) but we have been so protected as a family, that it just leaves me feeling speechless to pour out anything that can compare (which I know, we shouldn't be comparing) to the life stories of my blog friends.
With them I cry and celebrate. I long for their hearts desires to be filled by an Almighty God with an Almighty plan.
But I also feel like its too much to share the goodness that is in my life... when I did nothing to make it that way.
I read this post which hit home with some thoughts I'd been having... and then coupled that thought process with the other thoughts I've been having, and figured out.
I have blog guilt.
Full. Onset. Blog. Guilt.
Those in the blogging community often talk about comparison and how we blog as much for ourselves as for others... its never meant to cause hard feelings, or be a competition, or anything other than a shared experience.
And I think that's true.
But I've also found... that I think my life is too NON-stressful or NON-radical to talk about... without putting others in an different place because our lives are different than theirs.
Which I don't know if anyone else would even feel that way, but that's what happens in my head.
I've read (and journey) via blog friends on the road of infertility and adoption, large families and overseas missionaries. Friends and families that are so different from mine, but that I've grown to follow with my heart as much as my eyes when I read. And I see their struggles, and I feel bad, that my life doesn't have those too.
Not that my life is perfect, because its not. But often, I feel like my burdens are less than others. And that I'll be read (by all 20 of you) as less than considerate.
And as I think of my life, all that I HAVEN'T or DON'T do, the things that I thought were ordinary until I read the lives of others... and think, I shouldn't share. I don't want to be read as bragging or less than appreciative or less than grateful or less than aware of the blessings that God has bestowed on us of no merit of our own. I don't want to focus on all that is right in my world when there are so many other worlds that are in struggle or in limbo or in.. something, anything... other than just fine.
So, I've decided I need to be fair to myself... and come clean with it.
1. I feel guilty that my two children came from uncomplicated pregnancies and births, and I haven't walked the infertility or miscarriage road. (and knowing the statistics, that makes me the exception, not the rule)
and really, that's the biggest one. Why did God give us 2 children who came so easily, when so many others have so much to conquer to bring their children into this world or into their homes?
2. We minister in a small church that isn't accomplishing big things by "church" standards.
3. We've never battled unexpected death or chronic or serious onset sickness in our immediate families.
4. We've not had a major life-changing moment that restructures everything we know.
We've been so blessed (and that sounds so insincere....) but we have been so protected as a family, that it just leaves me feeling speechless to pour out anything that can compare (which I know, we shouldn't be comparing) to the life stories of my blog friends.
With them I cry and celebrate. I long for their hearts desires to be filled by an Almighty God with an Almighty plan.
But I also feel like its too much to share the goodness that is in my life... when I did nothing to make it that way.
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