So, on the total other end of the spectrum from my earlier post....
I'm preparing today to be out of town Thursday - Saturday. Only me. My girls and husband will be home... and turns out, I have a little doomsday prepper in me... something I blame on Big Dave, but none the less. I wrote about it once before and I can't find the post now to link back to it, but I will try and find it and come add it back in.
So, rabbit trail, but, I'm leaving for a whole 2.5 days. Does anyone else prep their house and pantry and fridge like a winter storm is coming in Georgia?
I went to the grocery store and bought more food than my family could possibly eat in those 3 days, but just to be sure.
I spent 10 minutes bagging up lunch items for the girls who already had enough to choose from, including me buying new options, just to be sure.
I scrubbed random parts of the bathroom that have needed that more than just today. Hello, shower door hinge.
The only thing Michael really ever asks me to do ... pick out the girls clothes and shoes. And trust me, I've forgotten, and been very well reminded that I forgot when I arrive to see them wearing all kind of mismatch-hot-mess level attire in public.
Yet, I prep like I'm going to be gone a week... and like Michael isn't a competent housekeeper (He's actually better than me).. and cook (also, better than me)... and grocery shopper (ok, he probably wouldn't go shopping).
crazy.
Wednesday, January 28
the same kind of broken
If I've figured out anything about being an adult, a mother and a wife... its that I haven't figured out much of anything at all.
For sure, being mom and wife are two of the hardest jobs ever. Much harder than my job that pays me.
One of the things that makes it hard for me, is that I struggle with the same places of brokenness, self-dissatisfaction and doubt now as I did 2 years into our marriage and after 6 years of being Mama.
And while there are parts of my heart, mind, attitude and behavior that I have been able to change for the better in due time and with lots of prayer and hard work.
There are places of me that are the same kind of broken now... maybe even worse than before.
And those places are mostly all of my own making.
But, to get out of those habits, those emotions, those behaviors... its a lot harder than I thought.
Its more of a war than a battle... and sometimes I feel like I've got it all together.... and sometimes I feel like I'm one step from being a huge failure.
I love my family. With everything I am.
I just gotta find a way to fix the broken.
For sure, being mom and wife are two of the hardest jobs ever. Much harder than my job that pays me.
One of the things that makes it hard for me, is that I struggle with the same places of brokenness, self-dissatisfaction and doubt now as I did 2 years into our marriage and after 6 years of being Mama.
And while there are parts of my heart, mind, attitude and behavior that I have been able to change for the better in due time and with lots of prayer and hard work.
There are places of me that are the same kind of broken now... maybe even worse than before.
And those places are mostly all of my own making.
But, to get out of those habits, those emotions, those behaviors... its a lot harder than I thought.
Its more of a war than a battle... and sometimes I feel like I've got it all together.... and sometimes I feel like I'm one step from being a huge failure.
I love my family. With everything I am.
I just gotta find a way to fix the broken.
Friday, January 23
when it wasn't the plan
Sometimes, life just doesn't look like the plan we had for it.
Even those of us who don't claim to be planners, who are pretty roll with the flow, it is what it is.
Even then, somewhere, in the back of our minds or in the darkest corners of our hearts, we have an idea of some kind of plan.
I thought I'd be married by now. I thought I'd be an accomplished _______ by now. I thought I'd know who I am by now. I thought I'd have this "adult" thing figured out by now. I thought....
And we wonder....
Why not? Why me? Why isn't this working out? What am I supposed to be doing? Where am I supposed to be? Is there someone out there for me? Will anything that I ever thought about my life be the way I thought it would be?
And sometimes we then look around and we think that even less of our lives make sense.
In our Sunday School lesson this past week, we talked about being the voice of injustice... but more so, at the heart of being the voice of injustice, is being a person removed from prejudices, removed from fear of others, removed from anything that would keep us from loving people for who they are, where they are, how they are.
it is most important that we see ourselves and each other, not in the image of their sin, but in the image of Christ.
When life doesn't pan out like we planned, we are still the image of Christ.
He still hears our smallest whispers, our deepest fears and the thoughts that surround us on the days when it seems our life just ISN'T.
He sees the parts of us that we fight to protect, fight to veil, fight to maintain.
And even when we rage against him with all we are. When we are convinced that He is in now way a part of what has happened, is happening or will happen.
He still sees us as His.
And he whispers his promises for us. Quietly, in the tiniest of places where hope lives.
Trust me and pursue me.
And it won't make sense. Right now... or maybe ever.
But it won't be for waste.
Even those of us who don't claim to be planners, who are pretty roll with the flow, it is what it is.
Even then, somewhere, in the back of our minds or in the darkest corners of our hearts, we have an idea of some kind of plan.
I thought I'd be married by now. I thought I'd be an accomplished _______ by now. I thought I'd know who I am by now. I thought I'd have this "adult" thing figured out by now. I thought....
And we wonder....
Why not? Why me? Why isn't this working out? What am I supposed to be doing? Where am I supposed to be? Is there someone out there for me? Will anything that I ever thought about my life be the way I thought it would be?
And sometimes we then look around and we think that even less of our lives make sense.
In our Sunday School lesson this past week, we talked about being the voice of injustice... but more so, at the heart of being the voice of injustice, is being a person removed from prejudices, removed from fear of others, removed from anything that would keep us from loving people for who they are, where they are, how they are.
it is most important that we see ourselves and each other, not in the image of their sin, but in the image of Christ.
When life doesn't pan out like we planned, we are still the image of Christ.
He still hears our smallest whispers, our deepest fears and the thoughts that surround us on the days when it seems our life just ISN'T.
He sees the parts of us that we fight to protect, fight to veil, fight to maintain.
And even when we rage against him with all we are. When we are convinced that He is in now way a part of what has happened, is happening or will happen.
He still sees us as His.
And he whispers his promises for us. Quietly, in the tiniest of places where hope lives.
Trust me and pursue me.
And it won't make sense. Right now... or maybe ever.
But it won't be for waste.
Thursday, January 22
Done: Florida Caverns, Marianna, FL
This past Monday we took our crew... and I mean, ALL our crew...
To Marianna Florida to explore the Florida Caverns Cave Tour.
I'm gonna be real honest, I was a little aprehensive of taking 3 big kids who aren't all that crazy about the dark (per their going to bed antics) and 2 toddlers who love their independence into a dark, confined, underground space.... combine that with 3 adults with varying degrees of claustrophobia, a 3 month old in a carrier...and this could have gone bad... very bad.
But it was a great trip. For us, this is about an hour and 15 minutes from Breezy's house, 2 hours from ours. We left around 9:15 and with the time difference, made it there in time to take the 9:30 tour of the caverns. They were really quite impressive, and not all that confining feeling. Our little minions all did really great obeying the no touching, stay together and follow instructions.
It was a good, short trip (45 minutes inside the caverns) just right for our kiddos. I am sure they might would gain more from the tour guides informational speeches if they were a little older, but they were entertained with the puddles in the path, and the ducking and weaving through the paths.
We didn't explore the rest of the park, but there were several nice trails sprawling out past the caverns for nature walks and a picnic area for snacking.
It was a win.
Official Website: http://www.floridastateparks.org/floridacaverns/
Cost: $5 per vehicle to enter park; $8 per person over 13, $5 per child 3-12
Wednesday, January 14
you do you boo
The number of times I've heard this out of Lane's mouth I can't even remember.
But today, for some reason, as I was mulling over the day, I thought of how this is really the best thing we can do as representatives of Christ. First, we must be sure that who we are and what we do is a positive reflection of Jesus. His grace, mercy and love.
But after that, we just need to do us.
Be us.
Today was the first onsite Bible study at a local college where we are working to establish a BCM ministry... and I know it has been BCM for a significant period of time, but in my head, and usually outloud I say.. formerly BSU. Because, well, it was.
As the Bible Study portion started I sat down at a table with a mixed group of not-quite 20-somethings... who I am quite sure had their doubts about this now OLD lady busting up in their group.... but, if our goal is to form relationships with these students, we can't do that only talking to each other.
After the study ended, I stuck around talking with this group and realized.. it would be really easy for most of us to turn into chameleons in that setting - to try and talk, mimic and squeeze ourself into their likeness... in an effort to be like them, to form connection.
But, I'm not like them.. in a lot of ways... the best thing I can do, if I'm planning on investing in them, is to be me. And when we find the same things funny, great. And when we can have conversation, great. Because each time I have a chance, I want to know their story and let them know that their voice, their opinions, their futures matter. That God has purpose for them. And that I am grateful to meet them as who they are... similarities and differences aside.
The worst thing we can do in establishing relationship with another person is to become or pretend to be someone we are not. Its fake. And its a lot of work. And it will wear us down. And it will cause distrust. Because most of us, we've got a radar for when someone is being real with us... and deep down, that's more important to good relationship than being who they want us to be.
I'm now an almost 30 married working mom of 2 with a full-time working, pastoring and seminary attending husband and an online-based job that most of my people don't understand. Some days I'm pretty proud of how fashionably appropriate I am and some days I'm glad its still socially acceptable to wear t-shirts in public. I've seen life beyond college. I've seen life beyond high school. I don't know what my life will bring next. I don't know much of anything... other than that God is totally real in dealing with me... and I owe everyone the same.
But today, for some reason, as I was mulling over the day, I thought of how this is really the best thing we can do as representatives of Christ. First, we must be sure that who we are and what we do is a positive reflection of Jesus. His grace, mercy and love.
But after that, we just need to do us.
Be us.
Today was the first onsite Bible study at a local college where we are working to establish a BCM ministry... and I know it has been BCM for a significant period of time, but in my head, and usually outloud I say.. formerly BSU. Because, well, it was.
As the Bible Study portion started I sat down at a table with a mixed group of not-quite 20-somethings... who I am quite sure had their doubts about this now OLD lady busting up in their group.... but, if our goal is to form relationships with these students, we can't do that only talking to each other.
After the study ended, I stuck around talking with this group and realized.. it would be really easy for most of us to turn into chameleons in that setting - to try and talk, mimic and squeeze ourself into their likeness... in an effort to be like them, to form connection.
But, I'm not like them.. in a lot of ways... the best thing I can do, if I'm planning on investing in them, is to be me. And when we find the same things funny, great. And when we can have conversation, great. Because each time I have a chance, I want to know their story and let them know that their voice, their opinions, their futures matter. That God has purpose for them. And that I am grateful to meet them as who they are... similarities and differences aside.
The worst thing we can do in establishing relationship with another person is to become or pretend to be someone we are not. Its fake. And its a lot of work. And it will wear us down. And it will cause distrust. Because most of us, we've got a radar for when someone is being real with us... and deep down, that's more important to good relationship than being who they want us to be.
I'm now an almost 30 married working mom of 2 with a full-time working, pastoring and seminary attending husband and an online-based job that most of my people don't understand. Some days I'm pretty proud of how fashionably appropriate I am and some days I'm glad its still socially acceptable to wear t-shirts in public. I've seen life beyond college. I've seen life beyond high school. I don't know what my life will bring next. I don't know much of anything... other than that God is totally real in dealing with me... and I owe everyone the same.
Tuesday, January 13
Bethel Music: In Over My Head ft. Jenn Johnson
And sometimes, when the silence is big... its someone else's voice that breaks through.
when the silence feels big
Sometimes, the silence just feels big.
And heavy.
And hard to shake.
I don't expect to live a life constantly spouting deep, heavy and personally profound revelations.
But surely there's some middle ground between those waxing poetic moments and "did you see this meme floating around on FB yesterday"?
Surely.
Part of the challenge of this space is the self-imposed pressure to make sure that the words are valuable. That they mean something to me.. or will mean something to me somewhere down the line.. or that they will mean something, or at least be entertaining to those of you who come by my tiny corner of the interwebs.
And before I know it, I'm neck deep in feeling squished by the silence. Racking my brain for something of pertinence... a reflection of my inner thoughts, or a comical experience with those two girls who call me Mama.
Turns out, sometimes silence is big.
But that's usually because we decide to make it that way.
And heavy.
And hard to shake.
I don't expect to live a life constantly spouting deep, heavy and personally profound revelations.
But surely there's some middle ground between those waxing poetic moments and "did you see this meme floating around on FB yesterday"?
Surely.
Part of the challenge of this space is the self-imposed pressure to make sure that the words are valuable. That they mean something to me.. or will mean something to me somewhere down the line.. or that they will mean something, or at least be entertaining to those of you who come by my tiny corner of the interwebs.
And before I know it, I'm neck deep in feeling squished by the silence. Racking my brain for something of pertinence... a reflection of my inner thoughts, or a comical experience with those two girls who call me Mama.
Turns out, sometimes silence is big.
But that's usually because we decide to make it that way.
Friday, January 9
not so radical, historically speaking
I think we all struggle at times to figure out what our voice is in the world.. or even more importantly, what our voice is to ourselves.
I've read the stories, heard the testimonies, followed the blogs of people who have experience, survived, are thriving, are living, are doing radically out of the ordinary things.
And I've felt the pressure, probably all self-imposed because I'm pretty good at setting impossible standards for myself, that my story wasn't one that would meet someone whose life was so very different from mine and be a common ground.
Because I don't have a radical story. My life, has been pretty ordinary, which makes it extraordinary because my life, so far, hasn't been defined by these major events... major battles, major disappointments, major blow-things-out-of-the-water.
But I face and have faced my own set of demons.. stories for another time, or maybe another place.
Yesterday, I had a change in perspective... or at least the beginning on one...
What if... its NOT about a Radical testimony from your past or a Radical circumstance of your present (both of which are valid and ever-important part of the greater faith witness of believers".... what if its about living your life out in a radical way?
Not picket signs and demonstrations kind of Radical.
But, deliberate and consistent choices to be different.
Radically investing in those closest to us.
Removing our pre-dispositions... putting our judgement away... and looking straight into the eyes of those in our life, and being radically all in with them.
Including those who are hard. Including those we don't know. Including the ones that are family, friends, neighbors, strangers.
The radical nature of my life may not be in circumstances... and I'm good with that if that continues to be the case.
I've read the stories, heard the testimonies, followed the blogs of people who have experience, survived, are thriving, are living, are doing radically out of the ordinary things.
And I've felt the pressure, probably all self-imposed because I'm pretty good at setting impossible standards for myself, that my story wasn't one that would meet someone whose life was so very different from mine and be a common ground.
Because I don't have a radical story. My life, has been pretty ordinary, which makes it extraordinary because my life, so far, hasn't been defined by these major events... major battles, major disappointments, major blow-things-out-of-the-water.
But I face and have faced my own set of demons.. stories for another time, or maybe another place.
Yesterday, I had a change in perspective... or at least the beginning on one...
What if... its NOT about a Radical testimony from your past or a Radical circumstance of your present (both of which are valid and ever-important part of the greater faith witness of believers".... what if its about living your life out in a radical way?
Not picket signs and demonstrations kind of Radical.
But, deliberate and consistent choices to be different.
Radically investing in those closest to us.
Removing our pre-dispositions... putting our judgement away... and looking straight into the eyes of those in our life, and being radically all in with them.
Including those who are hard. Including those we don't know. Including the ones that are family, friends, neighbors, strangers.
The radical nature of my life may not be in circumstances... and I'm good with that if that continues to be the case.
Thursday, January 8
on the right track
Its been a while, a minute, an eternity since I felt the smallest voice from God speaking to my prayers... and I know that's not because HE was anywhere other than where he always been.
As I've read these books by Kristen Welch and Jen Hatmaker, I've changed the voice of my prayers to asking the hard questions, the personal ones... what's my role? what should I see? what should I be doing? What should I let go?
......
Last night at church we had our first Wednesday night "Sing Night" a time for our church to practice some of the "new to us" songs from our 1978 hymnal... or at least, songs other than our standard rotation of around 25 "favorites" that have donned our bulletins since, well, since a long time. We're a small bunch of faithful attendees, and we know what we know, but wanted to get a better voice to what we didn't... its kinda like choir practice, but we don't have a choir.
And in each song, each song that our pianist played, including a few callouts based on being just a page over, spoken painfully truthful words into my heart.
A small whisper back.
Yes, Lord. I hear you.
As I've read these books by Kristen Welch and Jen Hatmaker, I've changed the voice of my prayers to asking the hard questions, the personal ones... what's my role? what should I see? what should I be doing? What should I let go?
......
Last night at church we had our first Wednesday night "Sing Night" a time for our church to practice some of the "new to us" songs from our 1978 hymnal... or at least, songs other than our standard rotation of around 25 "favorites" that have donned our bulletins since, well, since a long time. We're a small bunch of faithful attendees, and we know what we know, but wanted to get a better voice to what we didn't... its kinda like choir practice, but we don't have a choir.
And in each song, each song that our pianist played, including a few callouts based on being just a page over, spoken painfully truthful words into my heart.
A small whisper back.
Yes, Lord. I hear you.
Wednesday, January 7
More From Interrupted
Praying for open eyes to our everyday small... We know where we are planted, now to be faithful stewards of faith to those around us.
(Jen Hatmaker, Interrupted, p.176)
Tuesday, January 6
When Your Voice Comes Back Little
Nothing is as humbling, and possibly mortifying, and definitely piercing.. to hear your words, your tone, your attitudes coming out of the tiny mouths of your own tiny people.
Let's just say, my voice comes back little... in point, pressured, tightly controlled words.
Not necessarily the voice of gentleness, comfort and kindness... not necessarily the voice of mercy and grace.
It hurts to hear it come back to you little.
B: You aren't being nice.
H: in a tightly controlled, anger-hilted voice: I can't help you if you don't tell me what I did. You need to calm down and tell me what the problem is.
B: You aren't being nice.
H: I can't do anything about it if you can't tell me what's got you upset.
In essence, I hear you are upset but you must meet my demands before you get empathy... and you must meet them with little to no compassion in the mean time.
Yikes.
I don't resolve to do anything in this new year - as it determines it for failure.
Instead, I'm asking for redemption.
Redeem my words and take my anger. Redeem my words and cover my children in grace, mercy and compassion.
Meet me in this grind.
Let's just say, my voice comes back little... in point, pressured, tightly controlled words.
Not necessarily the voice of gentleness, comfort and kindness... not necessarily the voice of mercy and grace.
It hurts to hear it come back to you little.
B: You aren't being nice.
H: in a tightly controlled, anger-hilted voice: I can't help you if you don't tell me what I did. You need to calm down and tell me what the problem is.
B: You aren't being nice.
H: I can't do anything about it if you can't tell me what's got you upset.
In essence, I hear you are upset but you must meet my demands before you get empathy... and you must meet them with little to no compassion in the mean time.
Yikes.
I don't resolve to do anything in this new year - as it determines it for failure.
Instead, I'm asking for redemption.
Redeem my words and take my anger. Redeem my words and cover my children in grace, mercy and compassion.
Meet me in this grind.
Monday, January 5
A New Year
I don't usually wax poetic or get overly sentimental and I certainly don't make resolutions as that is a confirmation that those things will definitely not be happening in the new year.. or possibly ever.
But this year has felt different... I'm going to blame it on getting older, I'll be 30 this year and that was a minor crisis in itself during my April birthday of 29. Now, I'm dealing with it in a much more appropriate age - deflecting that my 30 will make Mom 50.. its only fair.
This past year has been a good one, it really has... no major upheavals, no major health issues, not even a lot of minor issues... by all accounts, its a year that wasn't the worst ever.
However, in this past year I've struggled with the spiritual darkness that comes with trying to find a new way... to get back center in the will and comfort and boldness of God. I guess I'm a little different than most, I didn't really have a crisis of faith as a teen or college kid - it was the opposite. Those years of my life were filled with great teachers, great learning and conviction and powerful times face to face with my Jesus. Not the boxed-in Jesus of stuffy church pews or dried up Bible belt face, but the meet you in the weakest places and move you in the boldness of speech kind of places. Instead, as an adult with a family, the balance of my faith and life and convictions.. its all kind of jumbled together... I'm just, really, trying to find my footing... or regain my footing.. .or something. It has been this weird place where I am still fully confident in the power and persistent presence of God... but not feeling as if I can/am his hands, his feet and his eyes.
So amid my long wish-list of books to read, I got two for Christmas. The first, Rhinestone Jesus by Kristin Welch (linked here) and the second, Interrupted by Jen Hatmaker (linked here).
(p. 62)
But this year has felt different... I'm going to blame it on getting older, I'll be 30 this year and that was a minor crisis in itself during my April birthday of 29. Now, I'm dealing with it in a much more appropriate age - deflecting that my 30 will make Mom 50.. its only fair.
This past year has been a good one, it really has... no major upheavals, no major health issues, not even a lot of minor issues... by all accounts, its a year that wasn't the worst ever.
However, in this past year I've struggled with the spiritual darkness that comes with trying to find a new way... to get back center in the will and comfort and boldness of God. I guess I'm a little different than most, I didn't really have a crisis of faith as a teen or college kid - it was the opposite. Those years of my life were filled with great teachers, great learning and conviction and powerful times face to face with my Jesus. Not the boxed-in Jesus of stuffy church pews or dried up Bible belt face, but the meet you in the weakest places and move you in the boldness of speech kind of places. Instead, as an adult with a family, the balance of my faith and life and convictions.. its all kind of jumbled together... I'm just, really, trying to find my footing... or regain my footing.. .or something. It has been this weird place where I am still fully confident in the power and persistent presence of God... but not feeling as if I can/am his hands, his feet and his eyes.
So amid my long wish-list of books to read, I got two for Christmas. The first, Rhinestone Jesus by Kristin Welch (linked here) and the second, Interrupted by Jen Hatmaker (linked here).
This two books have certainly put a wreck to my already disrupted brain... and while I'm still reading Interrupted, they both are throwing some pretty thought provoking questions my way.
From Rhinestone Jesus:
- She writes of struggling to balance her convictions on buying second-hand, fair-trade and other equally respectable convictions, she encounters a friend who asks her this... "What is your one thing?" "What is your passion? If you could pick one thing God has called you to do, what would it be? One?" (p.162)
Can we take a minute to ask ourselves that again... what is YOUR one thing? what's MY one thing? See, I've done a little of a lot of it--- we've taken mission trips to support a beloved church and missionary family in Costa Rica, we have sponsored children through World Vision, we've packed Operation Christmas Child boxes, I've taught VBS, I've lead Children's Camp, we've given money, we've collected soap, socks, coats and everything in between, I've taught Sunday School, I became an ESL certified teacher, I've been a part of small groups,... and on and on, I've got lots of things that I've done/am doing... and so far, many of them, would fall under the NOT my ONE list. Don't get me wrong, they are good things, they are making kingdom differences in their respective places, they are noble efforts and causes and people.. but would I choose them to be my ONE thing???? I'm not sure.
And that has begun to wreck me.
And from there, I moved into Interrupted.. and while I'm not done, its also asking some pretty big questions.
(p. 62)
Interrupted confronts passive, internally centered faith in action to be missional and intentional for the least. It has SOOOO many statistics that will wreck your world view, and your American church view, and really, any view you thought you had without the numbers to back them up. And it asks the hard question about going out from the church, because, in reality, not many are coming in... its about getting outside of the walls. Having open hearts and hands and minds and having strong voices.
And that too, has been a challenging digest.
What's my one thing God? And what is it that you would have me to do?
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